It has been 3 very long years... for me, my son, but especially for my innocent Chloe. Lord, as I seek to understand Your ways, here I am again, asking why? As soon as she begins to establish some ground and begin to recoup... the monster strikes again.
I know I shouldn't have been, but I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop... It always does. I've watched my precious daughter go from a fiesty, happy, energetic young lady to a lifeless, sullen, detached shell of her former self. I still can't understand why? Why do the answers continue to elude us despite my best efforts? Why do none of the professionals have any solutions to her plight? How long can she go on this way? How long can I? The questions always outweigh the answers... Always.
I feel like all of our efforts are in vain. Are they? If Your will is to ultimately take her home from us, why all of the suffering? Haven't we learned enough? Haven't You taught us enough through this process? She is so innocent, an innocent, pure victim. My heart breaks daily... I feel helpless. You are the hope that I hang on to, the hope to get through another day, my only hope in this entire world. When will her turn come, for mercy?
I am struggling to understand, to trust Your ways. I am human Lord. So is she. I've turned complete control over to You, and I continue to trust her in Your hands. Not without faith, I know all to well what You "can" do but seek to understand why You "won't"? The threats of kidney damage, dialysis, even sepsis loom in the corners of my mind everyday. Like a dark cloud that never leaves, because I know it could all end, in an instant, or not... I am completely honest in the fact that my hope is waning. I hang on to Your promises and the minute shred of hope I have left for our futures together, for my daughter to be restored, for her to find some peace... just a little would do.
Today, broken and defeated, I lie her before You once again Lord, merciful Lord, and I pray for resolution and to understand Your divine ways. You are still our refuge. Our only hope. Thank you for another blessed day with my angel.
